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An Unloved Woman


       -"For three things the earth tremble, and under four, it can't bear up: For a servant when he is king; a fool when he is filled with food; for an unloved woman when she is married; and a handmaid who is heir to her mistress.  
(Proverbs 30:21-23)


    There is little said about this woman, I believe, because for the most part, ministries do not know how to address is but if you as many woman if they understand what it means, they will tell you with a pained smile or a look of transparency: “yes”.


    Ephesians 5:25 tells me to “love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her”.  Colossians 3:19 tells husbands to “love your wives and do not be harsh with them”.  1 Peter 3:7 tells husbands to be considerate to their wives “so that nothing would hinder your prayers”.  I believe that while it may be in men’s nature to love a woman, as Eve was created for Adam, it’s hard to show love to her for the most part but let’s remember that God is very serious with how he wants women treated.


     Ephesians 5:22 tells wives to submit, for it’s not hard for a wife to love her husband when treated with love, but it’s our struggle to submit.  In the same way, it’s easy for me to respect / submit to their wives but hard to love....or SHOW love, especially in a way that she can receive.  So much of society's norms have taught men that they have to be tough and with being the strong warrior who goes out to battle daily to support their family, they naturally harden their hearts to a degree to be able to do this.


    In 1697, British playwright William Congreve wrote a play called “The Mourning Bride”, in which the following popular quote can be seen: “Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, nor hell a fury like a woman scorned.”  


     Women were born to give love, to show God’s love to the world, and so desire to be shown love, which waters their heart like a flower which will die if it does not receive it. When they are not loved, there is something internal that is not in sync with how they are created and thus, makes it easy for things like pride and bitterness to well up, along with resent and hurt.


You don’t have to be married to be “unloved

    I have heard some people preach that the “unloved woman” verse is not talking about an unloved woman who is married to a misguided or unloving man... and I agree ...because a woman does not have to be married to be unloved.  But these particular pastors were talking about the heeding to men as far as taking a wife that is hateful or spiteful.  I think this is a verse that is misunderstood much by men when they look at old testament readings.



“Unloved” does not equal “whore”


"For three things the earth tremble, and under four, it can't bear up...for an unloved woman when she is married; and a handmaid who is heir to her mistress.  (Proverbs 30:21 &23)


King James reads like this:” For an odious woman when she is married;...”  

     “Odious” meaning:        1. deserving or causing hatred; hateful; detestable.  

                                         2. highly offensive; repugnant; disgusting.” (Dictionary.com)

In the Amplified it says “unloved and repugnant woman”.

     “Repugnant” means:    1. deserving or causing hatred; hateful; detestable.
                                          2. highly offensive; repugnant; disgusting.” (Dictionary.com)

The New International version says she is “contemptible”:

     “Contemptible” means   1. deserving of or held in contempt; despicable.

                                          2. Obsolete . contemptuous. “ (Dictionary.com)

And you would not believe that (actually I WOULD believe)  “The Message” actually calls her:

“a whore is voted "woman of the year,"  (no definition needed! WHO writes this stuff?! Ok, side note: can we confirm that this is not the word of God?!)

     So while this verse is seemingly good advice for a young man to take while considering a bride, it speaks VOLUMES about an unloved woman, for no woman who is honored or “loved as Christ loved and died for His church,” would EVER go the way of such descriptions in the above dictionary quotes.


If that man does not marry her, there is STILL AN UNLOVED WOMEN out there, right?  


SO WHO IS SHE?
 

    I think this can play out a couple different ways.  If we look around us, at our family and friends, neighbors and coworkers, we have no problem finding unloved woman. Often emotionally abused, they can be either unreceptive of love and have serious trust issues, or they can be very needy and extremely desirous of love. The world is FILLED with “unloved women”.


Sample Scenario #1


    Since there can be many scenarios, it doesn’t pay to paint one specific picture, but I’m sure one can imagine the problem when a woman marries before her heart is healed:  her husband never seems able to provide enough love, and thus, she may believe she is unloved. When he falls short of perfection, and of course he will as he is only human, she feels unloved, betrayed and acts like a victim, often times becoming emotionally abusive herself, lost in self pity and hurt. S


    She cannot see things clearly and maybe every shortfall becomes is seen this way, thus creating a vicious cycle where she is more demanding, resentful and manipulative to get love. Or she just shuts her heart down all together. The earth cannot bear up under such a situation and few marriages can either.  


    The tragedy is that the unloved woman may not be able to see what's happening and thus, cannot accept that she may have some share of the fault as everything makes perfect sense to her and she has no doubt that she is a victim in the marriage.


Sample Scenario #2


    Without getting into tons of reasons as to why a woman would marry a man who does not show love (and maybe he did so up until the wedding), let’s say for instance that we’re back to the marriage with a misguided man: - uncaring at best - abusive at worst,  but feeling trapped none the less, because any woman in this place does not want to continue to be unloved, even if she loves her husband dearly.  


    This is truly a sad situation. Men desperately long to be loved and were created to give love, and a woman who is in that situation has to struggle just to continue loving and to be kind when love is not returned to her.   Rather than looking for God to fulfill and meet needs, she feeds a cycle of disappointment by looking to an imperfect spouse to find perfect love.

     I think in ALL relationships, one person is more loving than the other, and one person would like to see more love and affection from the other.  Someone who is unloving or unkind, angry or bitter, abusive or passive, is hurting inside and desperately needs love also.


Before...after...pain is pain.


    While there can be much argument to this verse’s true meaning, I think it’s safe to say that it doesn’t MATTER if she was wounded BEFORE...or AFTER the marriage took place.  Either way, the husband and wife are BOTH in trouble.  This verse either speaks about a woman who is trapped in a marriage by a misguided man...OR...it is about a MAN who is trapped in a marriage with a misguided WOMEN!  BOTH SUFFER!  


   You may have heard the phrase: “When mama’s unhappy, EVERYONE’S unhappy” (in one version or another).  Women have such an effect on the flow of life within the home.  Our attitudes affect all around us.  My daughter knows when I am upset about something and will tell you that it bothers her for just as long as I’m upset.  We are still called to be godly women.  


    We have many articles, helps, guides and advice here at The Healing Source for the woman who is constantly heaped abuse upon so If you are in a place with unkind words, insinuations, verbal attacks, condemnation, etcetera, your heart will shrivel up to be as hard as stone (or worse) if you are not constantly flowing in the love and grace of the Lord Jesus Christ.  How we “respond” to negative behaviors is KEY in doing all we are called to, which is to NOT SIN.


Take a “Self Inventory”

      Before helping anyone else or influencing the “other party”, you need to look deep into yourself and ask the Lord is there is anything going on that you need to take to the throne, repent of and get cleaned of.  How have YOU contributed to the situation you are in and are you willing to allow God to mold, tweak and pinch you to get you to where He wants you?


“Yeah, but he...”


    This isn’t about your husband or significant other or even your child. You are still called to react in a godly manner no matter WHAT happens to you.  God will deal with them!  


    Remember David?  God LOVED David and blessed him so, and David wrote beautiful psalms to God’s glory, but David was a murderer!  Remember David had Bathsheba’s husband Uriah put to the front in war so that he would get killed in order for David to then have Bathsheba?  (2 Samuel 11:16-26) God was not happy with what He did.  But Psalm 51:4 David says “Against you and YOU ONLY have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight”.  


    We will each be held accountable for our own sins.  You don’t get to hold anyone else accountable for the way they treat you and while we are told to go to our brother and sister when offended, speaking from experience I can say that this does not always bring restoration.


Our first response has to be on our knees.  


    If you are hurting, you’ve come to the right place.  God will move on your behalf AND work in your heart to heal all the layers of hurts and pain that have accumulated.  He is able to protect you and as you learn more and more to see yourself through HIS eyes, nothing will hurt or offend you.  You just may be the one that He will use to bring love and restoration to ANOTHER’s heart.  ASK HIM to show you HIS HEART for you, then sit back and watch what He will do!


 
 Claim the “Power Tool” prayer at right, then go through some of the articles below, using the Quick Start Guide if you are struggling today.  Make note of some healing scriptures to call upon, stand on and tell the Lord you are holding Him to His promises.  Make sure you get support from others and go through the 5 Crucial Factor’s of healing to receive and keep your victory and keep standing, along with immersing yourself in the

4 Healing Rooms for more insight into what’s going on and what you can do about it.  Our Pain Words section will help you voice your pain and then walk you through restoration with handing it over to the Lord.  Be encouraged!  He is WILLING!  He is ABLE!  He is faithful! .  God will fight for you!

Lord Jesus, you know what’s going on in my life.  You know my situation, know my heart, it’s aches and pains,  and my deep desire to give love and be loved in return.  I know that I have no wisdom as to what to do about anything and I acknowledge that only you know what to do about it and so I surrender my all.  

I surrender my pain to you for your complete healing.  I surrender my pride that wants to stand and protect myself. I surrender my “right to be angry” and I will do only what I hear you say to do.


I renounce my “hidden pride” and “focus on self” as I have been upset, offended and hurt when___________________

(name the situation and person who hurt you) and I choose to forgive them.  Take back all ground I gave the enemy through my pride and I yield it onto you for your control.  Create in me a clean heart and fill it with YOUR joy and YOUR love.


Show me who I am in you, Lord Jesus, show me Father God all that you created in me; your desires for me; your gifts that you placed in me to do your will, your heart for me and let me see how YOU see me.  


I know that you work out all things for those who love you and so I trust all that I have in you.  Thank you, Lord, I ask these things Father God, in the name and blood of Jesus Christ, for your glory, amen.


   *  if you are in an unsafe place physically, you need to find shelter, going either to your pastor or local church or another government official or service in your area.

#top

A Handy “power tool” to pull out at a moment’s notice when there is a “hint of it’s need.

YOU ARE ROYALTY! A princess in the Kingdom, heirs to the throne and Jesus is very adamant about you knowing that! ( “Royalty” by Alberto & Kimberly Rivera)  (Music Resources)

     So while this verse is seemingly good advice for a young man to take while considering a bride, it speaks VOLUMES about an unloved woman, for no woman who is honored or “loved as Christ loved and died for His church,” would EVER go the way of such descriptions in the above dictionary quotes.

If that man does not marry her, there is STILL AN UNLOVED WOMEN out there, right?  

SO WHO IS SHE?
 
    I think this can play out a couple different ways.  If we look around us, at our family and friends, neighbors and coworkers, we have no problem finding unloved woman. Often emotionally abused, they can be either unreceptive of love and have serious trust issues, or they can be very needy and extremely desirous of love. The world is FILLED with “unloved women”.

Sample Scenario #1

    Since there can be many scenarios, it doesn’t pay to paint one specific picture, but I’m sure one can imagine the problem when a woman marries before her heart is healed:  her husband never seems able to provide enough love, and thus, she may believe she is unloved. When he falls short of perfection, and of course he will as he is only human, she feels unloved, betrayed and acts like a victim, often times becoming emotionally abusive herself, lost in self pity and hurt. S

    She cannot see things clearly and maybe every shortfall becomes is seen this way, thus creating a vicious cycle where she is more demanding, resentful and manipulative to get love. Or she just shuts her heart down all together. The earth cannot bear up under such a situation and few marriages can either.  
    The tragedy is that the unloved woman may not be able to see what's happening and thus, cannot accept that she may have some share of the fault as everything makes perfect sense to her and she has no doubt that she is a victim in the marriage.

Sample Scenario #2

    Without getting into tons of reasons as to why a woman would marry a man who does not show love (and maybe he did so up until the wedding), let’s say for instance that we’re back to the marriage with a misguided man: - uncaring at best - abusive at worst,  but feeling trapped none the less, because any woman in this place does not want to continue to be unloved, even if she loves her husband dearly.  

    This is truly a sad situation. Men desperately long to be loved and were created to give love, and a woman who is in that situation has to struggle just to continue loving and to be kind when love is not returned to her.   Rather than looking for God to fulfill and meet needs, she feeds a cycle of disappointment by looking to an imperfect spouse to find perfect love.
     I think in ALL relationships, one person is more loving than the other, and one person would like to see more love and affection from the other.  Someone who is unloving or unkind, angry or bitter, abusive or passive, is hurting inside and desperately needs love also.
    We will each be held accountable for our own sins.  You don’t get to hold anyone else accountable for the way they treat you and while we are told to go to our brother and sister when offended, speaking from experience I can say that this does not always bring restoration.

Our first response has to be on our knees.  

    If you are hurting, you’ve come to the right place.  God will move on your behalf AND work in your heart to heal all the layers of hurts and pain that have accumulated.  He is able to protect you and as you learn more and more to see yourself through HIS eyes, nothing will hurt or offend you.  You just may be the one that He will use to bring love and restoration to ANOTHER’s heart.  ASK HIM to show you HIS HEART for you, then sit back and watch what He will do!


 
 Claim the “Power Tool” prayer at right, then go through some of the articles below, using the Quick Start Guide if you are struggling today.  Make note of some healing scriptures to call upon, stand on and tell the Lord you are holding Him to His promises.  Make sure you get support from others and go through the 5 Crucial Factor’s of healing to receive and keep your victory and keep standing, along with immersing yourself in the
4 Healing Rooms for more insight into what’s going on and what you can do about it.  Our Pain Words section will help you voice your pain and then walk you through restoration with handing it over to the Lord.  Be encouraged!  He is WILLING!  He is ABLE!  He is faithful! .  God will fight for you!
An Unloved Woman

      -"For three things the earth tremble, and under four, it can't bear up: For a servant when he is king; a fool when he is filled with food; for an unloved woman when she is married; and a handmaid who is heir to her mistress.  
(Proverbs 30:21-23)

    There is little said about this woman, I believe, because for the most part, ministries do not know how to address is but if you as many woman if they understand what it means, they will tell you with a pained smile or a look of transparency: “yes”.

    Ephesians 5:25 tells me to “love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her”.  Colossians 3:19 tells husbands to “love your wives and do not be harsh with them”.  1 Peter 3:7 tells husbands to be considerate to their wives “so that nothing would hinder your prayers”.  I believe that while it may be in men’s nature to love a woman, as Eve was created for Adam, it’s hard to show love to her for the most part but let’s remember that God is very serious with how he wants women treated.

     Ephesians 5:22 tells wives to submit, for it’s not hard for a wife to love her husband when treated with love, but it’s our struggle to submit.  In the same way, it’s easy for me to respect / submit to their wives but hard to love....or SHOW love, especially in a way that she can receive.  So much of society's norms have taught men that they have to be tough and with being the strong warrior who goes out to battle daily to support their family, they naturally harden their hearts to a degree to be able to do this.

    In 1697, British playwright William Congreve wrote a play called “The Mourning Bride”, in which the following popular quote can be seen: “Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, nor hell a fury like a woman scorned.”  

     Women were born to give love, to show God’s love to the world, and so desire to be shown love, which waters their heart like a flower which will die if it does not receive it. When they are not loved, there is something internal that is not in sync with how they are created and thus, makes it easy for things like pride and bitterness to well up, along with resent and hurt.

You don’t have to be married to be “unloved

    I have heard some people preach that the “unloved woman” verse is not talking about an unloved woman who is married to a misguided or unloving man... and I agree ...because a woman does not have to be married to be unloved.  But these particular pastors were talking about the heeding to men as far as taking a wife that is hateful or spiteful.  I think this is a verse that is misunderstood much by men when they look at old testament readings.


“Unloved” does not equal “whore”

"For three things the earth tremble, and under four, it can't bear up...for an unloved woman when she is married; and a handmaid who is heir to her mistress.  (Proverbs 30:21 &23)

King James reads like this:” For an odious woman when she is married;...”  
     “Odious” meaning:        1. deserving or causing hatred; hateful; detestable.  
                                         2. highly offensive; repugnant; disgusting.” (Dictionary.com)
In the Amplified it says “unloved and repugnant woman”.
     “Repugnant” means:    1. deserving or causing hatred; hateful; detestable.
                                          2. highly offensive; repugnant; disgusting.” (Dictionary.com)
The New International version says she is “contemptible”:
     “Contemptible” means   1. deserving of or held in contempt; despicable.
                                          2. Obsolete . contemptuous. “ (Dictionary.com)
And you would not believe that (actually I WOULD believe)  “The Message” actually calls her:
“a whore is voted "woman of the year,"  (no definition needed! WHO writes this stuff?! Ok, side note: can we confirm that this is not the word of God?!)
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